Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Life as a psuedo step parent!

I'm going to tackle something today that is pretty touchy on every level!  Now, I'm going to preface this blog by saying I am not married to Tony as it stands but we are engaged and we do live together until we do get married so I think I can tackle my feelings on step parenthood!  Now, this road up until about two yrs ago was totally foreign to me.  I have been a mom for 23 yrs and been a single mom alot of those yrs.  I have control issues and I know it!  I am in control of my children but not controlling (don't ask them, they will lie!)  but I do and have always made them mind and show respect.  Since Tony has come into the picture things have for sure been different!  I have never been spoken to in a distasteful manner prior and my son would've been face to face with me if he had ever spoken to me that way! He's 6'2" so I would have had to brought him to his knee's for this you see!   I love all 5 of my "step" children I truly do.  They are all very unique individuals in which I encourage unless you are not being respectful to each other and especially to an adult.  You know the saying "boys will be boys"?  I'm not sure I've every been privy to others meaning of this.  Because my son was the only child for ten yrs maybe that was one reason he never acted out like others do.  Or maybe its because I never allowed him to try being disrespectful without seeing the consequences and follow through. 

I have seen things in certain kiddos that I never want to see or experience again quite honestly.  I've been told to F off numerous times and watched walls punched, things thrown etc.  Its been a pretty intense two yrs.  We haven't had a lot of contact with two of the 5 kiddos due to being told that we should step back and not have contact with them until they can forgive.  It seems that all of their problems lie with Tony,   I will not lie and say he has no part in this but I also won't let him take the entire blame.   These kids haven't lived with him in 6 yrs, they were young when the split happened.  Its always going to be a he said she said scenario but I just wish for once Tony would get some credit.  It takes two, he can't make them one way when he's not a constant in their lives or given a chance to be.  I am sad that its such a roller coaster, I'm sad that Tony is made to feel responsible for all the problems, legal included.  I just need to ask when are these teenagers made to take some responsibility?  When do we finally quit making excuses for them and make them responsible?  When do we say hey you chose to steal from people you are responsible for this.  Hey you chose to tell that teacher to F off you have to go in and apologize and take the punishment.  Instead of excusing it by saying the teacher was a jerk?  Come on!  The teacher is an adult!  End of story. 

This is what I have decided, I have decided to forgive being spoken to the way I was (which has been through alot of praying)  I have chosen to open my heart and let them back in no matter how hard it is for me.  They are raised differently than I would raise my own for sure but they are Tony's and he deserves a life with them.  I have to let go of my hurt too.  I have to uphold my expectations because of my children being involved but I can let go of the hurt and see what happens right?  Am I wrong in having the resentful feelings since they are teenagers?  Am I wrong for wanting a house free of chaos?  I have to give and I'm hoping that they will as well.  I have to have the support of their mother and I have known her personally for well over 25yrs.  I'm hoping we can coparent but recently we have always been the bad guys.  Not sure if there is an answer but I can tell you this is one of the hardest things I have ever done!!!!  I'm doing alot of praying and I just want to give Tony the opportunity to get to know his boys again...........I love him.


Cmom said...

Step parenthood can be quite the road. I commend you for forgiveness and quite honestly....you don't know what is being said behind yours and Tony's backs that continue to fuel the fire these kids feel. The best thing you can do is to open your heart limitlessly but your home with rules. You have to set boundaries and have the same expectations of them that you do of the kids currently living there. And counseling for all involved is so important. It is not going to happen over night and you are going to take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps back. You have to be consistent and let them know that they are loved regardless, but love does not equal the acceptance of bad behavior. You can love someone and kick their rear end at the same time and sometimes...that is what it takes. Good luck. If anyone has this Missy...it's you! :)

prosanjit kumer said...

step parent adoption one of the most common form of adoption. It permits the stepparent to legally adopt the child of his or her spouse. This further eliminates the non-custodial parent from all the rights and responsibilities of the child which also includes child support. The sole obligation lies within the hands of the newly legalized parent and his/her spouse.

Like any other form of adoption, step parent adoption is also governed by the state law. However, it may vary from state to state in terms of ease. Some of them comforts out the entire process if the documents favor the name of the desiring couple. Most common example is excluding the need of the couple to be represented by a lawyer. Some states may also omit the necessity of a home study which is quite indispensable in other types of adoptions. Though even then you may have to pass through a criminal background check.

The time duration requisite for a successful step parent adoption also depends on the state. You may have to be married to your spouse for one year before you can even apply for the adoption. Conversely it might not be necessary in other states. No advert effects are generally applied to the legal rights of the child who is concerned in a normal run. The child may inherit from the birth parent or even the family members.

What is an indispensable thing is the consent of the spouse as well as the other parent. A legal step parent adoption can never take place if one of the both disagrees to it. It can be a difficult task however. Also, the ways of gaining the consent may be different in different states. The non-custodial parent may just provide a written statement, he/she may have to appear in the court for the same, and a state may even ask the parent for receiving counseling about the subject.

Different laws are being applied by different states. Therefore if you want to understand the requirements for step parent adoption, you must first go through the laws of your particular state and consult a lawyer if needed. This will evade you from being a victim of something you did not know about in the beginning. Some states may also provide you with free legal help if you are not financially strong to afford a lawyer of your own.