Life as a psuedo step parent!

I'm going to tackle something today that is pretty touchy on every level!  Now, I'm going to preface this blog by saying I am not married to Tony as it stands but we are engaged and we do live together until we do get married so I think I can tackle my feelings on step parenthood!  Now, this road up until about two yrs ago was totally foreign to me.  I have been a mom for 23 yrs and been a single mom alot of those yrs.  I have control issues and I know it!  I am in control of my children but not controlling (don't ask them, they will lie!)  but I do and have always made them mind and show respect.  Since Tony has come into the picture things have for sure been different!  I have never been spoken to in a distasteful manner prior and my son would've been face to face with me if he had ever spoken to me that way! He's 6'2" so I would have had to brought him to his knee's for this you see!   I love all 5 of my "step" children I truly do.  They are all very unique individuals in which I encourage unless you are not being respectful to each other and especially to an adult.  You know the saying "boys will be boys"?  I'm not sure I've every been privy to others meaning of this.  Because my son was the only child for ten yrs maybe that was one reason he never acted out like others do.  Or maybe its because I never allowed him to try being disrespectful without seeing the consequences and follow through. 

I have seen things in certain kiddos that I never want to see or experience again quite honestly.  I've been told to F off numerous times and watched walls punched, things thrown etc.  Its been a pretty intense two yrs.  We haven't had a lot of contact with two of the 5 kiddos due to being told that we should step back and not have contact with them until they can forgive.  It seems that all of their problems lie with Tony,   I will not lie and say he has no part in this but I also won't let him take the entire blame.   These kids haven't lived with him in 6 yrs, they were young when the split happened.  Its always going to be a he said she said scenario but I just wish for once Tony would get some credit.  It takes two, he can't make them one way when he's not a constant in their lives or given a chance to be.  I am sad that its such a roller coaster, I'm sad that Tony is made to feel responsible for all the problems, legal included.  I just need to ask when are these teenagers made to take some responsibility?  When do we finally quit making excuses for them and make them responsible?  When do we say hey you chose to steal from people you are responsible for this.  Hey you chose to tell that teacher to F off you have to go in and apologize and take the punishment.  Instead of excusing it by saying the teacher was a jerk?  Come on!  The teacher is an adult!  End of story. 

This is what I have decided, I have decided to forgive being spoken to the way I was (which has been through alot of praying)  I have chosen to open my heart and let them back in no matter how hard it is for me.  They are raised differently than I would raise my own for sure but they are Tony's and he deserves a life with them.  I have to let go of my hurt too.  I have to uphold my expectations because of my children being involved but I can let go of the hurt and see what happens right?  Am I wrong in having the resentful feelings since they are teenagers?  Am I wrong for wanting a house free of chaos?  I have to give and I'm hoping that they will as well.  I have to have the support of their mother and I have known her personally for well over 25yrs.  I'm hoping we can coparent but recently we have always been the bad guys.  Not sure if there is an answer but I can tell you this is one of the hardest things I have ever done!!!!  I'm doing alot of praying and I just want to give Tony the opportunity to get to know his boys again...........I love him.

So I had the best intentions to post daily but you know how life is!!!

Today is Wednesday, but right now I'm referring to it as the 3rd day of hell in the life of a new computer system at work!!!!  It has been less than ideal lets say!  But today I am going to focus on something I'm looking so forward to!  Football!!!

 My son Braylan will be playing this year for Tabor College and I am soooooo excited to actually go watch him on the field again!  This is what he loves!  We have sacrificed to get him to this place and hopefully he won't be sacrificing his knee again throughout this process.  Considering where he and I started and where he is now I'm a pretty proud Mama!!!   He may not have had all the finer things in life but I do think he has gotten to see the meaning of hard work thru me and he is striving to make his life his own now.  Don't think this will be a very long blog today due to piles of lab orders on my desk needing to be put in to the new system but just wanted to write a little! 

Hope you all have such a wonderful day!

So it seems that I am going to give this a go again!

I'm just gonna go with a little about me for this first adventure into the new blog world.  I am born and raised Kansan.  I grew up in Mulvane, Ks until 6th grade then moved to Derby where I finished out my schooling.  At the age of 15 I found out I was pregnant.  It was a tough time for sure but I chose to push forward and had a beautiful baby boy by the time I was 16.  My life definitely went in a different direction but I was blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful baby boy named Braylan.  I finished school a semester early and tried to find something I could do that would benefit not only myself financially but also provide for my son.  I chose Radiologic Sciences, luckily there was a two yr program at St. Francis Hospital.  When I graduated as a Rad tech I got my first job as a Mammography tech with Dr Joy Darrah, I was 20.  The toughest decision I ever made was to move out of my parents house shortly after.  Braylan had a tough time with it at first since that is all he knew.  I have to admit that being a parent at such a young age was tough.  I wasn't the best Mama I could be and being a single mom under the age of 21 was difficult.  Needless to say we both survived and thrived.  I got married in January of 1997 and had a beautiful baby girl Kailtyn in April of 1998  and 2 1/2 yrs later had my youngest little girl Kolbi. 

In 2005 I went thru a divorce and until recently been primarily single.  I am now in a wonderful engagement with Tony (someone I went to high school with) its been a whirlwind for sure!  He has brought in 5 more kiddos to the mix.  We just recently got a house together and are planning on marrying next summer (due to FAFSA requirements with my son's college we are waiting)  His youngest, a little 4yr old girl named Payton, lives with us full time as well as my two girls.  She reminds me how tired I am most days!  lol  His other 2 girls we see every other weekend and his oldest two boys ages 16 and 14 we don't get to spend a lot of time with.  Anyway,  for today I think that's enough of my life (in a nutshell) so hopefully I will take a little time tomorrow and talk about something much more fun!