Wow! Has it really been that long since my last blog?

I can't believe I haven't made the time to blog lately!  I have been busy with nothing in particular, I guess really just life.  My kids keep me busy and I work 12 hr days 5 days a week so by the weekend I'm wiped out!  There is so much on my mind lately I'm not sure where to begin or which subject to blog about really.  I guess I'll start with one and go on from there!

First things first, let me say how thankful I am that I have a great relationship with my kids dads.  I may not have had alot of financial help from my son's dad but we have known each other so long we just get along.  Its one of those things that if my son had a party or something special we would be ok sitting next to each other and just talking.  We don't hold any ill feelings and we get along and normally always have for Braylan.  Its nice.  My girls dad and I are the same way.  We chose a long time ago that we are here for our girls.  We want them to feel comfortable with us in the same room.  It works!  He and I are friends and if we talk on the phone we laugh or are just ok with each other.  I'm very thankful for that.  I have never tried to make my girls dad uncomfortable and have always tried to be respectful of his feelings etc.  I feel we need that working relationship plus I think I like him as a person more now than I did before.  There were alot of hard feelings before.  I am truly blessed with the situation that I am in but I see so many that aren't and I have to step back and wonder why.  It has never been the childs fault that the parents marriage can't survive and yet the child is the one that suffers normally. 

Lately,  I have gotten to see first hand this dynamic between parents.  T and his ex wife have a very strained relationship and I'm not sure if or when it can be remedied.  There is still so much finger pointing and when I have tried to speak to her she is sure that T is at fault for most of the break down of the marriage and their childrens problems.  I am at such a loss with all of this since I live with T I get to see what kind of person and father he is.  He is giving and caring and kind.  He does have a temper but has never lost control and he is impatient but can control that as well.  I grew up with an impatient father so I know how to work around that!  I just think it is so sad that he loses when it comes to his kids because mom is wrapped up in who did what.  T has tried so many times to try to help get his kids on track but has been told over and over again he is the cause.  The kids have been told this as well. 

I have to pray daily for healing for the kids and for T and his ex wife.  By no means is my way the perfect way but I have been so blessed in so many ways with my kids and their dads.  Did I want this for them?  No but it is the way it is and we make the best of it for them.  I'm hoping that it can be that way for T also.  I know how stressful it is and it really gets to him.  Bottom line, the kids need to feel loved on both sides and they don't need to have to pick sides.  They should never feel put in that position.  We should be respectful of the other person (even if we don't like it or them) and care enough for our kids that we get along for them.  I have seen parents these days even going so far as to not let their children speak to the other parent at sporting events when its their parenting time!  Really?  Do you not know the damage you are doing to your child?  I say its time to stop worrying so much about what's best for us and start focusing on what's best for the child.  I feel like I have ranted about this subject a thousand times!  I need to get off of it!  I think I will start thinking of more uplifting topics!  This just brings me down!  Frustrating but I feel it needs to be said and since I basically write this blog to myself hehehe  I can rant! 

Being Mom is so hard sometimes....

Somedays I feel like I fail in so many aspects of "Mom"hood..... There are so many days that I want to do so much more for my kids.  Since I moved out on my own with my 4yr old (I was 20 yrs old) I have struggled financially to provide.  I luckily had the support of my parents while I went to Radiology school and was able to get a decent job to help support my son and I.  Back then, 9.50 an hour wasn't half bad and six months after I moved out I bought my very first house.  I got limited child support for my son (didn't even cover daycare) but we made due.  I look back and I wonder how I did it!  When I got a divorce in 2005 I was back to the struggle! 

I hate having to tell my kids I can't go to the grocery store until next week (when there is limited food)  I hate having to tell them I can't buy them something when more times than not its the school that's asking for them to buy it ie. sports items etc.  Ugh!  I'm very thankful for kids that understand (most of the time) and will wait if need be or just make due.  My son has lived this way his whole life.  He learned early on that I couldn't buy him the expensive shoes and that his clothes needed to be bought on sale.  He has always been understanding and if he asks for something I think he feels guilty which breaks my heart!  I brought these kids into this world I want to give them whatever they need.  I want to be able to help with his college or with my daughters softball or cheer needs or just be able to let Kolbi do something special.  Not always do I get to do that but that is my ultimate goal.  I love my kids more than anything and I want them to succeed.  I have to say that I think my kids are better people because they know what struggle is and they have seen me work so hard for so many yrs.  They see a work ethic in me that hopefully they will be more apt to use in the future. I can honestly say I'm so very proud of who they have become and how loving they are.  I couldn't ask for better kids.  I just want them to be able to look back when they are older and know that I have done everything in my power to give them the best possible life.

Happy Friday!!!

Today I'm going to focus on something that I love doing and just really have gotten in to as of late!  Couponing!  Do you have any idea what a rush it can be to actually get 50-60% off your entire purchase????  Now, don't get me wrong, I am not an extreme couponer!  Who has time for that?  But I do follow many extreme couponers and check their listings for the best deals and for the free stuff.  I also buy two papers every Sunday and get coupons from the girls at work.  I love getting those awesome deals.  I have a small stockpile in the basement and I'm pretty well stocked up for a while with deoderant, toothpaste, razors, body wash and haircare!  I love that feeling I get of getting something for free!!!  It's awesome.  I takes a little time to clip the coupons and to file them away in their own little space in my coupon book but it is totally worth it!  I would just love if I could figure out a way to get toilet paper for free!  25cent coupons just don't touch the price of toilet paper!  

For those of you who don't take the time to use coupons let me tell you, you are missing out!  My biggest haul was spending 350.00 at Dillons and leaving only paying 170.00 which for me was bliss!  You just have to go into it focused on what you are getting and what the sales are and how to work the coupons.  I'm not one that likes to work the system and I won't get other people to come with me to do different transactions but I love a great deal!  I'm hoping that I can further my couponing in the future to expand my stockpile.  I love being able to go downstairs and just pick up deoderant or shampoo or laundry detergent.  Anyway,  that's my Friday bit of wisdom for whats its worth.  If you struggle with money and want to be able to save a little here and there start out slow and in a little bit you will want to invest a little time and start saving more!  Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Ohhhhh its chilly......

Now most of you might think that I am talking about the weather, which in a sense I am but I am also talking about my attempt to try to rebuild some burned bridges with my soon to be step son.  Ummmm still waiting on a response.....any response......smoke signal???    I guess I really shouldn't expect  one considering he is 14 and boys at that age don't really care.  I'm sure it was swept under the rug several weeks after the big explosion happened but for me it has lingered.  I want to be forgiving and I want to be able to just pick up and start over but my thought is, if I do that am I telling my own children its ok not to take responsibility for their actions?  Its a tough one.  I feel that Tony is the one that really suffers and I hate it! 

I feel that we are made to be the monsters here which in reality that is furthest from the truth.  We have rules and require them to be followed but when they go home we are made to look like we just don't understand etc.  What I would like to know is, when do we stop believing everything that comes out of our kids mouths and take some time to look at the situation.  If it were my child, and they were lets say continuously getting in trouble at school I'm not going to make excuses saying its the schools fault but find out what's going on with my kid!  I have raised a pretty decent 23 yr old man and honestly some of the stories I have told him about what these boys have said and done just leaves him shaking his head.  He would have NEVER spoken to me the way these boys speak to adults let alone their dad and mom.  I know as a parent you want your kiddos to succeed and you hate seeing them fail in any way but I also know that I can't fix everything for them.  They have to make decisions and have to ultimately be responsible for the consiquences.  I don't feel like I can always talk to Tony about how I feel when it comes to his kids because they are HIS kids.  I don't want to keep him from them at all!!!  I want him to have a growing relationship with all of his kids.  One step at a time I guess.  All I can do is pray about it alot and keep an open mind and open heart.  I find myself tensing at the thought of being thrown back into that situation without addressing the problems of the past and it scares me.  Not sure the real answer.  I have tried to talk to their mother about the situation and essentially it is all our fault.  We upset them, we weren't understanding to their feelings.  We don't understand how they got their temper from their dad.  Even though they haven't lived with him in 6 yrs its all on him.  She has even gotten them to believe it and now its used as the excuse for everything.  Ok I just have needed to vent about this for a while.  What do you do as a parent or for that matter step parent?  Do you forget all actions and open your arms or do you stick to your guns????  Ugh!!!!

Today is a day to begin again!

I know, I know you must think AGAIN????  Yes, again, as I look in the mirror these past few days I've been saddened by the fact that Tony has made me fat!  Ok so its not Tony's fault but his cooking and our eating out has NOT helped!!!  I do however love my bathroom mirror because for some reason it makes me look thinner!  I'm not sure how but its helpful!  I would be depressed all of the time if it weren't for my mirror!  lol  I have packed on quite a bit of weight these past 4 yrs and it is sooooo bugging me!  I know there will be those of you that say, then do something about it!  Do you have any idea how hard that is?  I have struggled with weight my entire life!  I was always the heavier one of the family.  I have always had to try to lose weight.  It is not a fun existence!  I just want that one magic pill that does it all!  I am not good at exercising and I have more stress in my life than most so that doesn't help, add that to my little sleep you have a walking heart attack!!!  I know that I need to get my booty up and to the gym but I wonder when I could do that!  I am out the door by 4:45am every morning and off work at 5pm in the evening.  I go home, make dinner do a little laundry, make sure my girls are taken care of then hit the bed!  I'm tired!!!  I know that I just have to do it!  Need to start out walking 30 min after dinner and progress from there.  I'm hoping that I can stick with it this time.  I am wanting to look decent for when I get married!  So that gives me who knows how long!!  Feb?  March? May?  July?  Oh well, I need to be ready!  I need Abbey's perserverance and maybe drive so I could possibly run a 5k!  Doubt it but hey its worth a thought! 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could actually eat what is yummy and still be smart enough to stop before we eat it all?!?!   I like the Buffalo Chicken salad at Madrocks and I want to eat it all!!!  Maybe a cheat day?  I'm sure I can talk myself into all kinds of scenarios but bottom line is, I control what happens with me and I need to control this now!  Hoping for some drive and will power!  I can't expect it to just fall off but I'm not going to live life deprving myself constantly either.  I WILL find an in between!

Somedays I just want to SCREEEAAMMMM! Anyone else feelin like that???

I had such a wonderful weekend too!  I got to watch my son run out on the field Saturday for the first time in 5 yrs!  It was so exciting and so emotional!  He is so happy to be living his dream again!  He has worked so hard for this and I am so proud of him!  You would think that high would last me a while but noooooo I came to work today! 

Somedays I wonder, what would they do if I just up and walked out?  Would they fire me?  Honestly, watching how things transpire here not thinking they would.  I am amazed by what is just looked over by certain individuals in the work place.  There is one here that can sleep in her chair and nothing is said.  She can "forget" to put a patient on the schedule, numerous times and nothing is done.  It is just so frustrating!  I am working here and staying here because I believe in this place but that being said I can't feed my family on belief.  I am just soooo fed up with work ethic in certain people and trying to carry the load in most circumstances that I truly am thinking of looking elsewhere.  Is that bad?  I feel like I would be betraying my Dr's but I have to keep my sanity and I am working 12 hr days every day to try to keep afloat with no raise in sight.  They have tried to work with me many different times but when do I say enough.  I feel very taken advantage of!  I know that I need to take a step back and breathe.  I also know that things are much worse for others out there and I need to be thankful for what I have.  I guess this is my way of venting and letting things out without paying a therapist!  Yay for you!!!  Not that many follow me, but at least I feel better after I have ranted a bit!  Anyway,  thanks to those who do let me vent.....

So if anyone knows of anyone needing a Radiology/Mammography/Phlebotomist/Medical Assistant/Ophthalmology Assistant  let me know!!!!

If life hands you lemons.......well you know the rest!

Somedays I do find it hard to find the lemonade out of the lemons thrown this way but every day is a new day so I start all over again.  I absolutley hate the daily grind, I hate not having enough money every month to cover things that come up.  I thought when I went through two yrs of Radiology school that I would at least have a leg up considering I was such a young mom but it seems that is not the case.  I am making the same amount that I was making ten yrs ago which is hard to understand.  The medical field you would think would be the place to be!  Nope!!!  I haven't seen a regular old xray job in the paper in about 3 yrs now!  I was without a job for two months almost 3 yrs ago and honestly I was desperate to find ANYTHING!  Sooooo I took a phlebotomist job/xray and make less than I did when I went back to work in 2000. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful to have a job but it would be great if I felt that I was making what I was worth and what I do!  It does help, however, that I feel at home here and that the Dr's I work for do care about us as a whole.  What is extremely hard to get past sometimes is how long I've been in this field and still at a place that I get approved for reduced lunches for my girls!  Sad.......

So now that I have vented my frustration on how under paid I feel I am, I am going to just change things up and go with how thankful I am for certain things in my life.
1. I am sooo thankful that I was lucky enough to have 3 healthy wonderful children to raise.
2.  I am thankful that I learned early its ok to fail as long as you try again and do a better job at it! 
3. Thankful for my wonderful Fiance who is soooo supportive and loves my kids even when they always haven't been nice to him!
4.  Thankful for a job.
5.  Thankful that I really haven't had a lot of trouble with any of my kids legal or otherwise!
6.  Thankful that I'm not a Nana yet!
I could go on like this forever but because Friday's suck at work and everyone thinks they need to see a Dr on Fridays I probably should sign off!!!!  Have a fantabulous Friday!

You know what irritates me????

I'll tell you what irritates me, its the parents who try to be their kids friend.  I didn't have kids so that I could have more friends!  I am so tired of dealing with parents who don't want to upset their kids when they say no to something even if that something could be detrimental to the child.  They are CHILDREN come on people.  I have always said I can be friendly with my kiddos but they are not my friends.  Braylan is now 23 and we are more friends than anything but that being said he is still respectful and if I have to I still can use the mom card.  I love my kids alot and THAT is why I have boundaries and rules.  I'm not a mean mom or a dictator but I do require a certain amount of respect and obedience.  Is that wrong?  I have seen certain kids walk all over their mother and it just be allowed.  I have also seen her justify their actions and that just shows them they don't have any responsibility for their actions.  Go ahead walk out the door even though I told you that you couldn't go anywhere and see what happens.  NOTHING......  What I find the most sad part is these kids are craving rules just to show they are cared about.  That's what is so hard for me, kids need structure like it or not.  You may not be the most popular parent on the block but why would you want to be???? 

On a different note totally, my baby boy (yes he is 23 but will always be my baby)  has his first College football game on Saturday and I can't tell you how excited for him I am!   He has worked so hard for this.  I know this is what he loves and I'm so proud.  We will be traveling to Lawerance to cheer him on!  Our weekends will be busy for sure but it will be so worth it!  Love you Bubba!!!

Life as a psuedo step parent!

I'm going to tackle something today that is pretty touchy on every level!  Now, I'm going to preface this blog by saying I am not married to Tony as it stands but we are engaged and we do live together until we do get married so I think I can tackle my feelings on step parenthood!  Now, this road up until about two yrs ago was totally foreign to me.  I have been a mom for 23 yrs and been a single mom alot of those yrs.  I have control issues and I know it!  I am in control of my children but not controlling (don't ask them, they will lie!)  but I do and have always made them mind and show respect.  Since Tony has come into the picture things have for sure been different!  I have never been spoken to in a distasteful manner prior and my son would've been face to face with me if he had ever spoken to me that way! He's 6'2" so I would have had to brought him to his knee's for this you see!   I love all 5 of my "step" children I truly do.  They are all very unique individuals in which I encourage unless you are not being respectful to each other and especially to an adult.  You know the saying "boys will be boys"?  I'm not sure I've every been privy to others meaning of this.  Because my son was the only child for ten yrs maybe that was one reason he never acted out like others do.  Or maybe its because I never allowed him to try being disrespectful without seeing the consequences and follow through. 

I have seen things in certain kiddos that I never want to see or experience again quite honestly.  I've been told to F off numerous times and watched walls punched, things thrown etc.  Its been a pretty intense two yrs.  We haven't had a lot of contact with two of the 5 kiddos due to being told that we should step back and not have contact with them until they can forgive.  It seems that all of their problems lie with Tony,   I will not lie and say he has no part in this but I also won't let him take the entire blame.   These kids haven't lived with him in 6 yrs, they were young when the split happened.  Its always going to be a he said she said scenario but I just wish for once Tony would get some credit.  It takes two, he can't make them one way when he's not a constant in their lives or given a chance to be.  I am sad that its such a roller coaster, I'm sad that Tony is made to feel responsible for all the problems, legal included.  I just need to ask when are these teenagers made to take some responsibility?  When do we finally quit making excuses for them and make them responsible?  When do we say hey you chose to steal from people you are responsible for this.  Hey you chose to tell that teacher to F off you have to go in and apologize and take the punishment.  Instead of excusing it by saying the teacher was a jerk?  Come on!  The teacher is an adult!  End of story. 

This is what I have decided, I have decided to forgive being spoken to the way I was (which has been through alot of praying)  I have chosen to open my heart and let them back in no matter how hard it is for me.  They are raised differently than I would raise my own for sure but they are Tony's and he deserves a life with them.  I have to let go of my hurt too.  I have to uphold my expectations because of my children being involved but I can let go of the hurt and see what happens right?  Am I wrong in having the resentful feelings since they are teenagers?  Am I wrong for wanting a house free of chaos?  I have to give and I'm hoping that they will as well.  I have to have the support of their mother and I have known her personally for well over 25yrs.  I'm hoping we can coparent but recently we have always been the bad guys.  Not sure if there is an answer but I can tell you this is one of the hardest things I have ever done!!!!  I'm doing alot of praying and I just want to give Tony the opportunity to get to know his boys again...........I love him.

So I had the best intentions to post daily but you know how life is!!!

Today is Wednesday, but right now I'm referring to it as the 3rd day of hell in the life of a new computer system at work!!!!  It has been less than ideal lets say!  But today I am going to focus on something I'm looking so forward to!  Football!!!

 My son Braylan will be playing this year for Tabor College and I am soooooo excited to actually go watch him on the field again!  This is what he loves!  We have sacrificed to get him to this place and hopefully he won't be sacrificing his knee again throughout this process.  Considering where he and I started and where he is now I'm a pretty proud Mama!!!   He may not have had all the finer things in life but I do think he has gotten to see the meaning of hard work thru me and he is striving to make his life his own now.  Don't think this will be a very long blog today due to piles of lab orders on my desk needing to be put in to the new system but just wanted to write a little! 

Hope you all have such a wonderful day!

So it seems that I am going to give this a go again!

I'm just gonna go with a little about me for this first adventure into the new blog world.  I am born and raised Kansan.  I grew up in Mulvane, Ks until 6th grade then moved to Derby where I finished out my schooling.  At the age of 15 I found out I was pregnant.  It was a tough time for sure but I chose to push forward and had a beautiful baby boy by the time I was 16.  My life definitely went in a different direction but I was blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful baby boy named Braylan.  I finished school a semester early and tried to find something I could do that would benefit not only myself financially but also provide for my son.  I chose Radiologic Sciences, luckily there was a two yr program at St. Francis Hospital.  When I graduated as a Rad tech I got my first job as a Mammography tech with Dr Joy Darrah, I was 20.  The toughest decision I ever made was to move out of my parents house shortly after.  Braylan had a tough time with it at first since that is all he knew.  I have to admit that being a parent at such a young age was tough.  I wasn't the best Mama I could be and being a single mom under the age of 21 was difficult.  Needless to say we both survived and thrived.  I got married in January of 1997 and had a beautiful baby girl Kailtyn in April of 1998  and 2 1/2 yrs later had my youngest little girl Kolbi. 

In 2005 I went thru a divorce and until recently been primarily single.  I am now in a wonderful engagement with Tony (someone I went to high school with) its been a whirlwind for sure!  He has brought in 5 more kiddos to the mix.  We just recently got a house together and are planning on marrying next summer (due to FAFSA requirements with my son's college we are waiting)  His youngest, a little 4yr old girl named Payton, lives with us full time as well as my two girls.  She reminds me how tired I am most days!  lol  His other 2 girls we see every other weekend and his oldest two boys ages 16 and 14 we don't get to spend a lot of time with.  Anyway,  for today I think that's enough of my life (in a nutshell) so hopefully I will take a little time tomorrow and talk about something much more fun!

Shame on me!

Ok everyone, I have been horrible about posting on my blog as of late.  With either being busy at work or just forgetting I have sucked at this.  I have been fairly good  at sticking to my plan with the eating better and now if I could only get my butt in gear to exercise I would be on the right road.

Day 2

So yesterday I was a little hungry thru out the day but not bad.  I had leftover spaghetti for dinnr and didn't over do it while eating.  My problem is going to be the exercising.  I'm tired when I get home and there is NO way I'm getting up earlier!  Not sure how to remedy this yet.  This morning I had coffee and a protein bar and for a snack cottage cheese.  I brought a whole wheat tortilla with hummus on it and turkey meat that will be my lunch.  Its coming along and as long as I stick with this portion of the plan it will eventually motivate me to exercise more I think!

Official day one.

So here we go!  Today is officially the start of my weight loss journey.  Not sure what I'm embarking on but am willing to make it all public!  I'm starting out this morning with a special K protein bar.  They are actually pretty tastey so all is good there.  Lunch will consist of cottage cheese.  Of course I am needing to go to the grocery store to buy to easy to pack items which I don't have at the house right now.  My problem is going to be packing my breakfast and lunch.  Getting up at 4:30am every morning makes it a little difficult to pack a lunch but I'm going to do it.  No excuses. 

Day 1

I know that this journey is just starting but I'm hoping blogging about it will help create a sense of responsibility to my goal.  I am being realistic with the lifestyle I live and am not going to go by pounds but by the way I feel and my clothes fit.  I am needing portin control and needing to get out and begin first by walking then by moving up to running.  I've heard people talk about how exhilirating it is and I guess I need that now.